The Style Invitational Week 948 Look back in Inker
By Pat Myers, Published: December 1
If you failed to embarrass
yourself over the past year with ink in one of our previous contests — or if
you couldn’t manage even that — here’s another chance.
This week: Enter any Style
Invitational contest from Week 891 through Week 945 (except for Week 896, which
was the same contest for the previous year). You can send multiple entries for
a single contest, as long as you don’t send more than 25 entries in all. You may
refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published; for
contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today’s
or this week’s. (For the “Dead Letters” of Week 901, the poems should still be
about people who died in 2010, not 2011; the Week 898 predictions should be
about 2012.) Since there’s so little space in the print paper, longer-form
entries are likely to run only online. You can find links to all the contests
at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational (note that there’s a single link to a
page of other links for Weeks 891-915, and that they’re listed first).
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the book “Thank You
for the Giant Sea Tortoise,” a 1971 compilation of entries from the New York
Magazine Competition, which the Style Invitational was created to “honor.” The
Empress was shocked, but not saddened, to discover that many of the entries
were, well, lame-o (e.g., recast a movie: “Royal Wedding” with Alan King, Steve
McQueen and Patty Duke). Donated by Terry Reimer.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 12;
results published Jan. 1 (Dec. 30 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant
per week. Include “Week 948” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised
title for next week is by Chris Doyle; this week’s honorable-mentions
subhead is by Tom Witte.
Report from Week 944, in which we asked you to finish an “Is it just me . . .”
sentence. There were two basic categories of just-mes: the self-effacing
entries saying, “I’m so pathetic/clueless/nerdy/weird” and those that served as
an excuse for snarky observational humor. We got good entries in both
categories. And many people wrote in: “Or is it just I?” Each of them wins a
one-year subscription to Pedantic Monthly.
The winner of the Inker
Is it just me, or do you also
think Texans must have had to sign a pledge to reinforce their stereotype when
they’re in public? (Neal Starkman, Seattle, a First Offender)
2. Winner of the lobster-tank
fart-joke mug: Is it just me, or are more women becoming immune to charisma?
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
3. Is it just me, or does
anyone else find it hypocritical that Certain Media Outlets won’t cover
third-party candidates who have zero chance of winning — but still continue to
cover the Baltimore Orioles? (Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)
4. Is it just me, or does
anyone else think movie trailers should include the disclaimer “You have just
seen all the best parts of this movie”? (Susan Geariety, Menifiee, Calif.)
Is it just meh? Honorable mentions
Is it just me, or do other
people arrive early at the dentist just to catch up on Goofus & Gallant in
the waiting room? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
. . . or do other
people like to have pretend cellphone conversations with their proctologists
while on crowded elevators? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
. . . or is
popcorn too loud for the movie theater? Shouldn’t we be eating pudding at the
movies instead? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
. . . or do other
people get excited passing through Yonkers, N.Y., and realizing it’s the home
of Consumer Reports? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
. . . or are all
porn videos unnecessarily long? (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
. . . or do all
Catholic kids growing up in Rhode Island think “INRI” is atop the crucifix only
in that state’s churches, and that, say, the ones in Pennsylvania say “INPA”?
(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City, who wasn’t set straight till age 12 or so)
. . . or are
caterpillars getting saltier? (Chuck Smith)
. . . or does the
voice on your GPS system appear barely able to contain an increasing rage as
you continue to miss exit after exit? (Susan Geariety)
. . . or do other
listeners wonder why WAMU-FM keeps announcing that “the mind is Armenian”? (L.
Suzanne Gordon, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender)
. . . or do other
guys face the same direction when they use the toilet sitting down as they do
when standing? (Kevin Dopart)
. . . or do other
women take an extra birth control pill every time they see that gushing mother
of eight in the Giant supermarket ads? (Diana Todd, Silver Spring, Md., a First
Offender)
. . . or do you
think Dave Barry would be a good name for a rock band? (Christopher Lamora)
. . . who thinks
“seafood” from lakes and rivers should be correctly labeled littoral-waters food?
(Jeff Contompasis)
. . . or are
other goyim just as skilled in using Yiddish without sounding like some zaftig
pesadich schmaltz? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
. . . or do all
the smiling animal skeletons at the museum know something about extinction that
we don’t? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
. . . or does
Siri tell everyone to “just shut up for a change”? (Robert Schechter)
. . . who thinks
it would be way safer to put up signs saying “No Deer Crossing”? (Larry Yungk,
Arlington, Va.)
. . . or does the
coating on Hanukkah gelt taste kind of metallic? (David Genser)
. . . or does
everyone think that illustrations of peaches look like butts wearing green
thongs? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
. . . or do other
people think the previous 943 Style Invitational contests were better than this
one? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
. . . or do I
sometimes get ink when I don’t really deserve it? (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)
Next week: Laugh-baked ideas, or Ha la
carte